They call it Redemption
by dolly shoes
Summary: A horrific crime is witnessed and the fallout of which is to bring four unlikely friends back together, working for one common goal like they did years ago. A tale of love, loyalty, deceit and grief.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I recognise I own neither Gossip Girl or its characters.

A/N: This is ultimately a Blair/Chuck story, though from the first chapter it would not seem that way as it a fic also heavily dependant on Serena and Nate, and their points of view are key factors...

I am a mess.

This realization does not simply apply to _right now_, as tears stream silently down my crumpled face and my hands shake like leaves in the wind, but it extends as a fact of my whole life. From my early teens to the twenty eight year old woman I stand as now. I am, and have always been, a mess.

I burden all those around me. I am made up of mistakes and regrets - even my mother falling pregnant with me was a mistake, an accident. I suppose I began as I intended to go on.

I am flighty and fickle. I am selfish. I am weak.

I am weak, and this is the root of all my problems, my imperfections, and my mistakes.

And now my weakness has destroyed my son's life. My son - the only thing I have ever done right.

Everyone knows that the weak seek the stronger to protect him or her: like the fish that swim beneath the belly of the shark. I am one of those small, insignificant fish and my shark came to me in my most vulnerable moment when I had absolutely no one else in the whole world. And, in my defense, the world is a scary place.

The beginning of this story is hard to place. I was twenty-three and enjoying what life had to offer. The fact that I was in Vegas probably hints to what exactly life had to offer at the time.

I have always struggled with drugs, right from fifteen when I snorted my first line. The party life has always had grip on me - I love to drink till I forget my own name; I love to dance on tables while everyone watches, captivated; I love to feel untouchable and invincible.

After my reckless teenage years, I managed to settle myself down for a while. At first I held on to sobriety because of a beautiful boy I'd fallen for. He was like no one I'd ever met and he was certainly nothing like me - he was _good_. When he looked at me I felt like I was reborn. Of course, my past caught up to me and he saw me - the real me. There was no longer love in his eyes - only judgment, pity and disgust.

Sometimes I wonder about him. I wonder what Dan Humphrey is doing. Is he happy? Is he in love, is he married? Does he ever think of me?

I don't dwell too long. Nostalgia doesn't do anyone any good.

I held on to my sobriety because I saw that people's respect and love could hollow the desire for the euphoric feeling that comes with getting utterly smashed. My mother and I were able to have a stable relationship. My best friend no longer resented me for my rogue behavior. My brother no longer had to be ashamed of me. No one ever had to sigh and mutter, 'Serena's at it again. Surprise, surprise.' I learned to love the strangest of people when I gained a real family; I received brotherly affection and support, a sturdy father figure from people I'd never expect.

I suppose not only was it the longing to be good that drove me from that girl I once was, but also the memory of a thousand mornings waking up to a sensation of vertigo; no idea where I was or where the nearest toilet was situated so I could throw up.

I never again wanted to be that monster. I vowed I would never stoop so low again.

Like I said: I am weak.

I graduated high school, aware that when I was sixteen no one believed I'd ever come this far. My mother's face was aglow with pride and that set off the same feeling within me - and it was amazing. My blood coursed through my veins, burning with joy and my heart skipped a beat when my hand closed tightly around that diploma. Posing for photos in gowns with my friends was one of the best moments in my life.

College passed in a blur. I kept my promises and focused solely on my work. Boyfriends came and went but nothing stuck. I partied, of course, but never lost control of myself. When I returned home, I felt like a real adult; responsible and strong.

I felt as though I stood on top of the world, facing East as the sun rose above the horizon; dawn, a new day: the beginning of my life.

And that, I think, was when it all went wrong.

My brother, who'd been diagnosed with clinical depression years before, to which there was no cure, committed suicide. My mother, overcome by grief, refused to eat, sleep or receive visitors. Her divorce from Bart Bass followed soon after and my family completely disintegrated to nothingness; any trace of my indestructible happiness going with it.

Nothing anchored me to Manhattan anymore; my best friend, Blair Waldorf was pursuing a career in Paris; Lily, a shell of my mother, could no longer stand the city or it's society she had once committed herself to and fled to Florida. I too made my escape, a friend from college was vacationing in Las Vegas and that's where I dissolved back into the selfish teenage girl I'd once been.

It was also where I met Thomas.

I was flattered by Thomas "Tommy" Black's interest in me, but to be honest, not all that surprised. Men often found my drunken childishness endearing, they liked my apparent fearlessness in front of a crowd, my charm, my legs... my willingness. It had always been such. I got my fake ID when I was fifteen, I have always been ahead of my years - in looks at least, and men have watched me with desire in their eyes ever since then. Sometimes, I pitied men and sometimes I envied them. Most the time I was disgusted by them. They were so simple, so obvious and simple with their desires, so easy to please.

However, Thomas seemed enamored with me - everyone said so. After the first night we met in his club - one of many, he began to court me. He sent me countless gifts, asked me out on dates and invited my friends and I to the most sort-after parties.

My money had run out due to too much partying and shopping. My friend's cash fund had also run dry and they decided it way time they left.

As my friends prepared to leave, I was reluctant to go. I adored Vegas, and I adored Thomas. No, I did not adore Thomas himself. I adored the way he looked at me and the way he took care of me.

I desperately wanted to be taken care of.

I stayed and Thomas was overjoyed. He told me he had been a phone call away from begging me to stay when he heard it was our date of departure. He set me up in his hotel and had me waited upon - I felt nothing short of a princess. All my expenses were taken care of.

I thought he did so because I was beautiful, charming and seemingly carefree. I believed he had fallen in love with the visage I had created of the old me to cover the crippling grief I felt deep down. I believed he would only keep me around; take care of me, as I so desperately needed to be, if I maintained the visage.

When I overdosed and woke up in a private hospital room, I thought it was all over.

There was no way Thomas would continue to care for me now, and I knew I could not continue on with this life. I knew I needed help, but I had no one or nowhere to go back to. I was too ashamed to seek out Lily or Blair. I was completely alone.

And then Thomas showed up, with a bouquet of "Get Well" flowers, like I had a stomach bug. His smile was somber yet warm.

'Serena. You put on a good show,' he'd said, fingers stroking tenderly along the back of my hand, 'but I can see you suffering behind the mask you wear. I wish you would let your guard down and let me see the real you.'

'You mean all my glorious ugliness? You won't like what you see.'

'You don't know that. But _I_ know I love you, Serena. And we're going to get you help, whatever it takes. I will take care of you, I swear.'

I have never felt such acceptance in my entire life. So I surrendered myself to him, the weak little fish cowering in the protective shadow of the shark.

I tried to make myself love him, I truly did. But love is not something you can force. It was not that I didn't like him - quite the opposite. He was beautiful - tall and strong jawed. He made me laugh. He made me feel comfortable. But I could not fall in love with him. I doubted I felt for him a tenth of what he felt for me. But I went along with the marriage, swept up in it all.

The one thing I could return to him was acceptance. I feigned ignorance to his shady deals, turned a blind eye to any illegal documents I stumbled upon. I pretended I didn't hear the whispers about him or the reputation built up. I decided not to question anything suspicious. I did not question the mysterious deaths of business partners or the constant need for security.

I pulled the wool over my own eyes and pretended I didn't know deep down that yes, he really was a shark. A monster.

The baby came soon after the marriage - unexpected but not unwelcome. I was barely done with rehab - still seeing a psychiatrist who was unsure of what the pregnancy would do to me but I was overjoyed. He was born on the ninth of August and I named him Eric Daniel Black. And I did not, could not, stop smiling.

I felt like I had finally repaid my debt to Thomas. For years he had taken care of me and I had had nothing to give in return - I could not even find it in my heart to love him. But then I had given him a gift unparalleled by anything in the universe: a beautiful, healthy son.

The same son that gripped my hand tight as I walked too fast for his short little legs down a dark street of Manhattan. It had begun to drizzle and the street was practically deserted beside a cab passing now and again.

The house I hadn't visited for years came into view and it was exactly as I remembered. A feeling of dizzying relief washed over me, but my posture remained stiff and tense. I was alert while my son yawned and dragged his feet, his tiny, frail body failing him.

'Almost there, now.' I assured him in a voice I hoped sounded cheerful. 'Almost there,' I repeated low to myself.

We clambered up the steps to the grand front door of a town house I hoped still belonged to my best friend. I hauled up my single suitcase and Eric's bag before fishing in my pocket for a key.

Blair's town house was barely used. Blair herself now lived with her husband in Paris, and was far too busy as an event's manager to take a trip to the city that used to be her home. She'd given me the key years ago, and the tastefully decorated, deserted house was the first place I'd thought to come.

The door opened silently, revealing nothing but darkness beyond. I quickly ushered a lagging Eric inside, following with my bags. Before I closed the front door on the empty street, I cast a paranoid look round. Stupid really.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I allowed myself a sigh.

'Mommy?' Eric's shaky voice sounded near my thigh, his tiny hand tugging on mine. He'd always been afraid of the dark.

'It's okay, now. We're safe.'

We moved through the house together and I flicked the light switches as we went.

At the back of the beautiful house, in the kitchen, I asked, 'are you hungry? We've travelled a long way.'

I doubted the fridge would be stocked, but there must be food around somewhere…

Eric shook his head where he stood in the doorway, clutching tightly at the frame. 'I want to go home.'

My business-like demeanor crumpled, along with my face. 'Eric…' I whispered, moving toward my baby with my arms outstretched.

There was a crash above us that caused my head to jerk upward. I stared uselessly at the ceiling while my throat choked up with fear. Irrationally, my first thought was that _he_ had found us; my second thought was maternal terror for my child before my fight or flight instincts kicked in.

I ran forward toward Eric, my heart thudding painfully in my chest, and scooped him up to hold him close as I ran back through the house to where I'd deserted our luggage in the hallway.

My hand was on the doorknob when I heard 'Serena?' in a familiar voice, but not one I expected. 'Oh my God – Serena!' The voice repeated, before I even had the chance to turn, but the tone had changed from shock to joy.

I was barely processing things when there was the light pad of foot steps on the carpeted stairwell and Blair was pulling me into a one armed hug, using her hand to stroke Eric's face affectionately.

'Hi, Aunt Blair.'

'Um – hi, Blair.' I greeted awkwardly, eyes on the floor.

My best friend pulled back, face aglow and exactly as I remembered it. She grinned and I felt a bittersweet pang pull at my heart.

'What the hell are you doing here? How are you? I mean just –' words seemed to fail her and she simply repeated, 'oh my God!'

I smiled weakly. 'I'm so sorry to bother you. I thought no one would be home.'

'_Bother me_? What the hell are you talking about? I'm so happy to see you – this is – this is amazing! God, it has been so long!'

Blair appraised me with her eyes. 'You both look exhausted, come in and sit down.'

'Are you sure you don't mind?' I worried my bottom lip with my teeth, hesitating to follow her as she danced of happily to the lounge.

'What are you crazy? Get in here!'

Seeing Blair set of a nostalgic yearning within me. She was so beautiful, she was the same; she was home.

I had been overwhelmed when I'd first seen her, but now as we sat facing each other on her large couch, I took the time to properly drink her appearance in. And as I did, I felt saddened.

She was stick thin, collarbone protruding beneath the thin material of her silk nightgown and it seemed as though her whole frame was missing flesh. She was simply skin and bones. I wondered with a stab of pain whether she was purging again.

'So what are you doing here?' Blair asked eagerly, taking my hands in hers and squeezing affectionately.

'Oh –' I frowned, and struggled with an explanation. 'Eric and I are taking a trip. I wanted to show him my home city. And you?' I was eager to shift the question away from myself, not wanting to lie.

'I'm here on business.' Blair told me.

'Is Albert…'

'No. He's in France.' She spoke curtly of her husband, and I thought it strange but did not linger.

'I hate to put this on you Blair, but…' I looked meaningfully at Eric, who was dozing, his head on my lap. 'It's just we've come along way…'

Blair put a hand up as if she were stopping traffic. 'Don't say another thing! I'll go make up the beds in the guest rooms. You wait here. If you need anything – like food, don't hesitate. Make yourselves at home, okay.'

'You are the best friend I could ask for,' I sighed in gratitude. She simply grinned in response.

I watched her prance to the door and then paused. I felt there was something she wanted to say. Perhaps she realized something was off in my tone, maybe she noticed something in my eyes. I wouldn't be surprised, no one knew me like Blair. She said nothing. Instead, she shook her head and smiled before proceeding out the room.

I listened to her muffled steps above me, wondering what the crash I'd heard earlier had been – I guessed it was her slamming a door. Eric's breath came out calm and steady as he slept deeply and I stroked his soft blonde hair, feeling the warmth of his scalp beneath my fingers.

'Bed's are done.' Blair appeared some minutes later. 'I'll have your rooms properly prepared tomorrow when Patricia's here.' I guessed Patricia was her cleaning service. 'How long are you planning to stay?'

'Oh I don't want to impose – I'll find a hotel.'

Paying for a hotel meant using a credit card. A credit card was traceable…

'Don't be stupid! As long as you're in New York, you're staying with me!'

How long was I going to stay in New York? I had no idea. I had no plan.

I followed Blair's lead, Eric still slumbering in my arms. She took me to a guest bedroom and pulled back the sheets of a queen-sized bed so I could lay her Godson down. I tucked him in and planted a kiss on his forehead.

Blair showed me the room I'd stayed in the last time I'd visited. It was painted a calm blue and decorated accordingly.

Blair made a show of the closet space and reminded me of the en suite. I realized I'd left my luggage downstairs, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I was too exhausted.

Blair sensed this, and bade me goodnight. Again she hovered at the door, looking as though words had gotten stuck to the roof of her mouth.

'Tomorrow.' I assured her, not knowing if this was a lie.

She nodded and closed my door.

I heard her retreat to her own bedroom.

I pealed of my coat, kicked of my shoes and collapsed on the bed. The sheets were cool against my skin and I felt the ache of fatigue begin to take over. Reaching up blindly, I switched off the lamp on the nightstand.

Being away from Eric – though I knew he was a few doors down – made me anxious and I found however close I was to sleep I was too distracted to actually fall under the night's spell. So I crept silently to his room and crawled in next to him. I took his unconscious form against my chest, inhaled the scent of his hair and was instantly asleep.

Chapter 2; (Blair POV) Blair learns Serena's deadly secret and decides to call for backup...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Gossip girl is in no way mine.

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter, you're amazing.

_If you love someone - truly love someone - they hold an unparalleled power over you. They can build you or break you. For if you truly love someone, you will give anything up for them, you will do anything to help them. You give up the right think logically about that person, you lose all sense of wrong and right, black and white. _

_Because love paints the world in beautiful colours._

For the first time in what felt like weeks, I awoke happy.

At first I could not understand the joy coursing through my veins, but then the events of the night before slowly come into focus and I remembered my best friend was sleeping down the hall.

It was a surprise to see Serena in my hall last night, but she certainly wasn't an unwelcome guest. I consider her and her son nothing less than family. However, I could tell Serena was hiding something from me. There was something going on. Then again, I wasn't exactly truthful last night either.

I had escaped to New York from Paris, telling my husband I needed time. Time he was only too happy to give. Albert was probably overjoyed to have my foul mood and me out of the house.

After Albert's affair had been revealed the tension in the house had been stifling and I had reduced most of the maids to tears. It was time to take a break and decide what the hell I was going to do with the shambles of my marriage.

My first reaction to finding about "Annabel" had been blinding rage.

I knew my husband was not faithful. Perhaps a one night stand here and there. But never the same woman and never so obviously. Never had it been anything more than sex. But then I find out from a friend he was spotted with a busty blond at a restaurant. Did he not care what people would say?

Apparently, Annabel was a mistress.

The word had made me feel dirty and I fought the urge to go upstairs and throw up.

A red haze settled over my vision, blinding me to everything but anger and hate. I trashed the house and screamed my lungs out until I exhausted myself, like a child's tantrum. I didn't care. It was hardly the time for rationality. But as I sat, taking deep gulping breaths of air, I allowed myself to calm and the red haze lifted.

I forgave Albert, blaming myself for working too hard and neglecting him. Even as I came to the realization that I spent hardly anytime with my husband, I didn't make any effort to cut down on work. My marriage was what it was, more a business deal than anything else. I told him he could screw whom he wanted, keep as many mistresses as pleased him as long as they were not flaunted in front of society and more especially not in front of me. He agreed and I lost interest in who he was keeping on the side. My husband was not the only thing I'd lost interest in.

I'd lost interest in food, simply not bothering to eat or forgetting until my head maid forced meals into me. I'd lost interest in sex. I didn't like it. I no longer saw the appeal. I didn't like being touched and I didn't like the intimacy of the act. Passion fades, I supposed.

I shed no tears for myself, or my marriage. I simply worked harder, and became more and more bitter.

I came to a breaking point last week, when I'd attended a charity event in Paris on Albert's arm. There were whispers of a rich American who was in town, and had made an appearance at the event. I was eager to meet and greet until I caught a glimpse of who exactly this "rich American" was. The sight of Charles Bass deep in conversation with a Duke and his wife across the room propelled me to the bar, where I drunk far too much champagne than an upstanding pillar of the community like myself should.

I tried to keep out of his sight, while keeping an eye on him myself but I lost him in the crowd and as I was craning my neck around to see him once more - he appeared behind me.

'Looking for me?' Chuck breathed in my ear, one warm hand coming to rest on the small of my back.

'No,' I lied, 'my husband, actually.'

I turned to face him, and couldn't help but smile at my old boyfriend. I'd fallen in love with him back in high school and our relationship had never been predictable. It felt as though we broke up every other day. Somehow we lasted through Yale, till the relationship finally came to an end just after graduation.

'Chuck. You look the same as ever.' I greeted.

'And you look as ravishing as ever.' He eyed me appreciatively, unlike my husband who'd said nothing about my appearance that evening.

He persuaded me to join him outside and as he spoke of his business empire and what he was doing in Paris and whatever else that got lost on my deaf ears, I couldn't help but stare at his lips. I couldn't help but wonder...

Before either of us knew what I was doing, I'd grabbed his face and dragged it to mine so I could meet his lips in an earnest kiss. I was overly forceful in my eager excitement as I heard his 'Ow!' and felt him stiffen in shock against me but I kept myself glued to him. My whole body burned. I was alight with desire as strong as it had been when I was seventeen.

When he began to kiss back, I had to pull away.

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, and tried to reach for me again. Gently as I could, I pushed his hands away and stepped back. I thought I saw a flash of disappointment in his eyes, but I couldn't be sure.

Chuck smirked, but still looked bemused. 'What was that about? Couldn't control yourself?'

I breathed, taking in his swollen lips, ruffled hair and disturbed tie; all evidence of my passion. Perhaps I hadn't lost interest like I'd thought. Perhaps there was nothing wrong with me at all. I smiled up at him. 'Thanks. I just had to check something. It was nice to see you again. I have to go Chuck. Bye!'

I was already headed back through the door when he began to call after me.

When I found Albert he was talking over golf plans with a mutual friend. I asked to borrow my husband and practically dragged him through the grand, crowded ballroom. He followed, questioning me worriedly.

As soon as we were alone in a dark corridor, I seized his face in my hands and kissed him eagerly. Albert responded immediately but I felt nothing of the fire that had burned me before. My stomach was not flipping excitedly and my heart was not racing. I felt nothing. I pulled away, utterly disappointed.

Albert caught the expression on my face and frowned in concern and puzzlement.

I had thought that I had saved our failing marriage. Evidently not. Instead I'd managed to make two men think I was insane in one night.

I did not see Chuck again that night, or at any point after the event. I did not question my passion until I was drifting off to sleep that night, Albert on the other side of the bed. Perhaps it wasn't me. Perhaps it was the man.

It was only supposed to be a passing thought, but afterward I couldn't sleep, completely horrified.

The next day I announced my plans to Albert.

* * *

Breakfast with Serena was awkward. Neither of us had any idea of what to say, so we settled for watching Eric eat his scrambled eggs contentedly. Serena and I refused food and simply settled for coffee. My friend did not look well. Her eyes had bruise like shadows below them and I guessed she had not slept well last night. I did not comment on the fact that I'd found her in Eric's bed rather than her own.

When Serena's phone buzzed in her handbag, she froze. Her eyes stayed intently focused on Eric. If her hand hadn't tightened visibly around her mug I would have thought she didn't hear the ringing of her phone. I frowned.

'Aren't you going to get that?'

'Nah. It'll be nothing important.' She attempted to sound aloof. I didn't buy it. Serena could never be an actress.

'Humph.' I swallowed my questions.

The buzzing ceased only to begin again.

'Someone's really eager to get in touch with you.' I commented.

Serena gritted her teeth, grabbed her bag and fished out her cell phone. I thought she'd answer it and I'd know who was calling, but instead she dismantled the whole thing; battery, sim card and all.

'Serena… what are you…?'

I felt a disturbance in my chest, a thrill of fear, when Serena stamped the battery to pieces beneath her heel.

I watched her eyes fill with tears as she collapsed back into the kitchen chair. She seemed to come into herself and remembered me gawking at her, and she quickly wiped her eyes and steadied her breathing. 'Sorry.'

'What the hell is going on?'

'Nothing –' she protested, but I cut over her.

'Serena, you can tell me: it's okay.'

My words were her undoing. Her face visibly crumpled, and she began to sob. Eric and I, both equally alarmed stared unspeaking for what felt like hours.

'Mommy…' Eric trailed off and began to cry quietly too. He climbed into his mother's lap, and she clutched him close rocking him from side to side.

I sat, awkward and unsure, my coffee going cold.

* * *

'I'm sorry about earlier.' Serena apologized again as she dabbed carefully at the corners of her reddened eyes with a tissue. 'I don't know what came over me.'

We were seated in the lounge, both of us on the couch while Eric sat cross-legged in front of the television, giggling happily to whatever cartoon he was watching.

'Serena, please, you _have _to tell me what's going on. Are you and Thomas in a fight?'

My best friend stiffened visibly at the name but then shrugged it off. 'No,' she whispered, 'it's not really like that. Please Blair, I'd rather not talk about this.'

I gripped her arm, drawing her wide eyes to mine. 'Serena. Tell me.' I commanded firmly.

'I can't.' Her eyebrows drew together and her eyes filled, once again, with tears. Something had her fearful, and the fact that she was so afraid in turn made me afraid.

'Yes you can. It's just me. Blair: your best friend. You can tell me anything.'

Serena pursed her lips. 'Okay. But not here.'

She stood and I followed her lead. We went to the kitchen and Serena stood at the window, staring, it seemed, at nothing. I seated myself at the table and urged her on, 'okay, tell me.'

'I saw something.' Her voice was strangely dettached as her arms came round her torso and she hugged herself tight, in a defensive gesture. 'Something awful.'

'Tell me,' I whispered quietly, my voice full of anticipation and fear.

'I… I went to the office. And I could hear Thomas and some guy having an argument.' Her eyes took on a glassy appearance, and I could tell she was no longer in the kitchen; rather she was lost in the memory. 'I don't know what they were yelling about. All I know is that the guy seemed to have… displeased Thomas. Neither knew I was there and I knew I should leave but… they started talking about the police. The guy wanted to… to turn himself in, I think. Thomas said he was a fool, and if he did that then he'd take everyone down with him.'

Her voice was hollow as she continued. 'Thomas couldn't let him do that.' Serena swallowed loudly. 'He told him he couldn't possibly let him do that. There was silence and then… and then… and then he shot him... _Thomas killed him._ I heard his _body_ hit the floor. I didn't know what to do! I had to hold my hand to my mouth to cover my scream. Thomas came out of the office and called to the guard and I... I just ran. I don't know if they saw me; if anyone saw me leaving. I just kept running.'

Serena turned to me, eyes filled with an ancient pain while I sat frozen in horror. 'I always knew he was… he was shady. But… this… I knew he had a temper and that he was powerful…' she shook her head and hugged herself tighter. 'I never knew it was like this! I never knew it went this deep.'

She choked slightly on her words. 'And I… I lived with him so long. I had a child with him! My… my son has been in d-danger all this time and I didn't even… I didn't…'

Serena's knees looked liked they were about to buckle beneath her. I shot out of my chair and threw my arms around her. 'You listen to me.' I told her firmly, voice fierce. 'None of this is your fault, okay? None of it!'

'I shouldn't have come here, I've put you in danger!'

'Hush now,' I soothed as she cried violently against me. 'Everything's going to be okay.'

Her hands gripped at my back tightly, as though she were attempting to hold on. Maybe she was attempting to hold on to sanity, like I was trying to hold on to reality. 'Blair! Blair!' She seemed to be begging me, for what I didn't know. 'What am I going to do? Oh my god, what am I going to do? I just took Eric and ran. I didn't have a plan...'

'We can go to the police.'

'No!' Serena tore herself away from me, face horrified. 'No! We can't! If we do that he'll find me and he'll find Eric. We can't win against him, he's too powerful. He's got money and a reputation. He's never gone down for anything before! We can't Blair. We can't!'

'Okay, okay. Calm down. It's okay.'

After putting an exhausted Serena to bed, and making sure Eric was still content watching TV, I called the only person I could think of.

'Listen. I know this is a surprise, but please. I need you. Will you just come to the town house?'

'Well… I could come at my lunch break.' The voice on the other end of the line answered uncertainly.

I sighed, deliberating, but finally agreed. 'Okay. I can wait. But you have to come, okay? This is serious.'

'Blair, I'll be there.' The voice sounded sincere.

I was restless all morning, unable to sit still. I felt sick with worry, my heart skipping a beat in panic whenever I thought about the situation.

I prepared lunch for Eric while he sat obediently at the table.

'Do you know when I'm going home?' he asked, eyes bright.

My voice came out strangled. 'I really don't know, sweetheart.'

Serena was still sleeping when a knock sounded on the front door. I greeted Nathaniel Archibald formally and led him into the lounge.

Once he was seated he asked, 'okay. What's going on Blair?'

Just then, Eric tottered in from the kitchen. 'I finished, Auntie Blair.'

I watched Nate tense in surprise before he shook it off and pulled Eric into a great hug. 'Hey Buddy! You get bigger and bigger each time I see you.' Eric giggled shyly. Over the child's head, Nate frowned at me in confusion. 'Is Serena here?'

'Upstairs.' I confirmed. I tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. 'She's in trouble.'

'Of course she is.' Nate murmured quietly. Eric wriggled in Nate's embrace and the man released him. The blonde boy flew to the TV. I felt guilty that I had nothing else to amuse the child.

'Do you want to draw, Eric?' I asked. He turned and nodded eagerly.

I fetched him a wad of paper and a pen from the study. He looked curiously at the black fountain pen. 'Don't you have any colors?'

I shook my head apologetically. 'Sorry.'

'Mommy never let's me use these. She says they're for grown-ups, cause I always get ink everywhere.'

'Well, I'm sure she won't mind this time. I'll get you some colors, soon though, okay?'

He nodded happily and proceeded to draw. I was so distracted I didn't even worry about him getting ink on my plush carpets.

I turned back to Nate. He raised his eyebrows expectantly. 'So what's the big emergency?'

'I think… I think Serena may need to go into a witness protection program. You can organize that, right?'

Nate was a successful lawyer situated in New York City and was married to a kind woman named Alice. It seemed like centuries ago when I dreamed of nothing but being his wife.

'Are you serious?' Nate spluttered, leaning toward me with bulging eyes.

'Deadly.' I affirmed, and then winced at my own choice of words.

'But… but why?'

'Why do you think?' I snapped. His unhelpful gawking was getting on my very last nerves. He flushed uncomfortably and I felt guilty. 'Sorry,' I murmured, 'I'm a little stressed.'

'I understand.'

'Blair? What's going on?' I jumped at the sound of Serena's voice, and turned to meet her incredulous gaze. 'What are you doing?'

I reacted to her angry tone. I jumped up, hands out in a soothing gesture. 'Calm down, Nate's just here to talk about our options.'

'I thought I told you I didn't want the police involved!' She shrieked. 'No lawyers, no cops… none of that! Why didn't you listen to me?'

'But Serena, you witnessed a crime. You're in danger… I don't understand! Why no police? It's the right thing to do!'

'Serena, you should go to the police. Whatever this is, don't be afraid. I'm here to help you. I know you, Serena, and I know you'd want to do the right thing.' I sighed in relief that Nate was finally proving useful.

'No!' Serena stepped further into the room, pointed an accusing finger between Nate and I. 'you don't understand! When I say no police, I mean no police! Thomas is powerful, there's no point even going to the police. He has enough money to sway the courts; this is just going to put Eric and me in more danger! Why didn't you just listen to me Blair?'

Serena was frantic now, on the verge of hysteria. Her eyes were round saucers of fear and I could see her frame trembling.

'Serena: just calm down. Everything is going to be okay. Just come sit down, won't you? We need to talk about this. There's no harm in that is there? Why don't you just tell Nate all about what happened? I'll take Eric for a short walk.'

Eric was sat, pen paused, shirt ink-stained, and watching his mother intently.

Serena swallowed, she looked at Nate and then me. My eyes begged her to act rationally. She nodded and I sighed and sagged in relief. 'Thank you, thank you Serena.'

I turned to the small boy. 'Eric, let's you and I go for a walk alright.'

He nodded obediently and rose to his feet, taking the hand I offered and grasping tightly. As I passed a wild-eyed Serena she gripped my forearm so tight it was almost painful. 'Not too far, okay.'

I nodded in understanding of her fear.

'Not too far,' I repeated.

Next chapter; Nate calls upon an old friend when things get dangerous (I'll give you three guesses...)


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I recognise I own nothing.

**A/N: **Everyone who reviewed last chapter owns a little piece of my heart, thanks so much for reading.

Is Mommy afraid?' The question broke me heart, and I had to look away to disguise my tears; afraid of upsetting the delicate child.

'What makes you say that?' I asked, working to keep my voice steady. I hated treating the boy as if he were mentally handicapped. He was smart and intuitive and of course he hadn't missed Serena's outburst; he'd been sitting right there! However, I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I knew Serena wanted to keep this all hidden from him, and I agreed. He had to be shielded from the truth. But that would be difficult, especially if I couldn't pull myself together.

'She's upset. And she doesn't want to go home.' Eric pouted. '_I _want to go home.'

'Don't you like staying with me? Do you not like my house?'

Kind-hearted as he was, I could see the guilt cross Eric's face as he thought he'd offended me. 'No! No, Aunt Blair, I love your house. I love you! But I miss home. I miss Daddy.' He made a sad face and again I had to look away.

'That's fair enough. I understand. But this is a holiday for you, Eric. So try to have fun for Mommy, okay? I know my house is a bit boring right now, but I promise we can go shopping for some toys and you can buy whatever you like.'

His face visibly brightened. 'Whatever I want?'

'I've missed a few birthdays.'

'No, you sent me stuff in the mail.' He corrected, trying to make me feel better again.

'Well I'm your Godmother so it's my job to spoil you.' I grinned happily, we rounded the corner and our fifteen-minute walk came to a close as the house came into view. 'We should probably get you some more clothes too. Mummy didn't bring you much and it's very cold out here.'

'It's going to be Christmas, soon!' Eric informed me.

'Soon?' I chuckled as he nodded eagerly. 'It's not even December yet.'

'Will we be spending Christmas with you, Aunt Blair?' Eric peeked up at me below his long lashes, searching my face for an answer he knew I wasn't going to speak.

I sighed. The kid was too clever. 'I don't know, baby. We'll see.' We stopped outside the door and I reached down to ruffle his soft tufts of blonde hair. 'And for the record,' I smiled down at him affectionately, my heart practically swelling in my chest as I took in his beauty. His heart-shaped face with it's features so alike Serena's; his wide blue eyes and good natured expression. 'I love you too.'

Eric grinned smugly. 'I know.'

'Oh do you?' I teased, pushing the door open. We stepped in the house and my mood suddenly turned serious. 'Why don't you...' I struggled to think of something a small child could do in this house.

'I have a Game boy Nintendo in my bag.' Eric offered helpfully.

'Right. Yes! Play that, okay? If you get hungry just tell me.' He nodded and rushed off to find his bag.

I found Nate and Serena in the lounge. Nate had his briefcase open, and was writing furiously. Serena had her head in her hands, face drawn and severe. I exhaled, overwhelmingly nervous. 'Well?' The room was tense and silent for a moment. Nate ended his sentence and tucked the pen back into the breast pocket of his jacket. He collected the papers and snapped his briefcase shut.

'Well. I'm guessing this isn't a first for a guy like Thomas. Of course, he'll no the ropes and probably has one of the best lawyers in America at his side. Serena doesn't even know who the guy in the office was. All we've got to go on is Serena's word that she heard a gunshot in the office after a heated argument and when she looked again she saw Thomas exiting the office, with no other evidence. So as long as she proves to be a credible witness in the eyes of the court -'

Serena's head snapped up, her eyes wide. 'C-credible?' She choked out, staring wildly at Nate.

He narrowed his eyes. 'Serena,' Nate said curtly, 'what haven't you told me?'

'I... I didn't even think about it.' She whispered. I frowned and went to sit next to her. Her posture was stiff and tense, and I tried to calm her by stroking her back in circles. 'In Vegas I overdosed.' I closed my eyes. 'I went to rehab and I saw a shrink, you know... about Eric... about my brother's death. He diagnosed me with clinical depression. He thinks I have a problem with drugs. I didn't even...' she trailed of, voice strained and shaking her head disbelievingly.

When I opened my eyes, Nate's jaw was clenched. 'What does this mean?' I asked fearfully.

'It means,' he cleared his throat and looked away from the broken woman who was staring at him desperately, 'it means Serena's not a credible witness and without any other substantial evidence we have no case.' Silence followed his words, broken only by Serena's staggered breathing.

'But- we can't give up!' I tried desperately, my arm tightening around Serena's shaking shoulders. 'There must have been another witness. There's always the security around the place.' I remembered all the times I'd visited Serena in Vegas. Her home was always full of sharply dressed, well built men that escorted the Black family everywhere. 'They're always with Thomas right? Maybe one of them know something?'

'One who is willing to talk?' Nate pinched the bridge of his nose. 'I don't think so.'

'But it's worth a try!' I jumped up slightly in determination, but Serena interrupted me.

'No Blair, it's too dangerous! You can't do anything, promise me?'

'Well,' I scoured my brain desperately, 'we could hire a Private Investigator; have him dig up some incriminating stuff on Thomas. A guy like that? There's always something! We should search the news for recent deaths in Vegas, see of a body has been found. We can find out who he is.'

Nate was worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. 'Come on, Nate,' I begged, and my voice was strangely hoarse. I was desperate.

When he looked at me, I saw a burning determination in his eyes that seemed as strong as my own choking desperation. 'We can try. We will try. We'll do this, Serena, we'll sort this mess out.' His words were strong and they gave me hope.

Serena sniffled. 'I don't want you to get hurt for me.'

'Don't be an idiot.' I chided. I turned back to Nate. 'Nate-' I was cut off by the ring of the telephone which was sat on the coffee table. I was about to ignore it when I realized it was probably Albert checking up on me and that I should probably answer. I reached out and hooked the phone of it's bed with my hand. 'Hello?'

'Blair.' I jolted at the familiar voice.

When I remembered how to talk, I said, 'Thomas.' It was hard to keep my voice steady but I think I managed it. Serena's hand shot out and curled in a claw around my thigh when she heard the name. Her fingers dug into my flesh painfully, but I wasn't bothered. Nate was trying to communicate with me soundlessly. I think I got the gist as I was already thinking it. _Act normal_. 'Hey, how are you?'

Serena clasped a hand to her mouth, muffling a whimper.

'I'm absolutely terrific, actually. I didn't think you'd answer.'

'Oh?' My fist was so tight around the receiver I was surprised it didn't break.

'Yeah, I thought you'd be in Paris. You barely ever use the town house.' He was speaking so normal, something I was working so hard to achieve. My blood was pounding in my ears, my overactive heart sensing danger even though Thomas was nowhere near us. Was he?

'Yeah, I'm just taking a break. I kind of miss this place, you know? The house always had a certain charm. Where are you then? Is Serena okay?'

'I'm in Vegas, of course.' I let out a soundless sigh of relief before I realized this could easily be a lie. I checked the ID caller and saw that the call was being received from the Black's home. 'Serena, however is not. I was wondering if you'd seen her.' Did he know what she knew? Did he know that I knew? I felt like I was in high school again, sharing people's dirty secrets. Except, back then, it was never quite so dangerous.

'No, I haven't talked to her for ages. Has she taken a trip someplace?'

'Something like that. She got a little upset, Blair that was all. Took Eric too. I'm very worried about my family, you understand.'

'What was she upset about?' Serena's fingers dug deeper.

'She saw something she'd shouldn't of.' Thomas's voice took on a new edge. He knew. He knew Serena knew. He was testing to see whether I knew. I worked so hard to keep my breath steady I was afraid my chest would implode from the effort. _He knew. He knew. He knew._

He was testing me.

'Oh I do hope she's all right. Everything's okay between you right?' My voice was just an octave too high. I flinched.

'Blair?'

'Yes?' I breathed.

'Serena took a flight to New York.'

He paused. I said nothing.

'Blair? Is Serena sitting with you right now?'

I swallowed loudly, unable to speak. '...I-I don't know what you're talking about.'

A bark of loud laughter sounded from his end. 'I knew it! I absolutely knew it! Of course Serena would find you. She can't ever do anything alone can she? And who else but the valiant best friend? I suppose you know then.' I felt bile rise in my throat, searing hot with pure hatred. 'Why don't you put Serena on?'

My eyes slid to Serena and then away again. 'No.'

'Blair, I'm coming. Just have Serena wait for me there. There's no point prolonging this silly chase. My wife and child need to come home. Back where they belong.'

I hung up. Fear had my skin feverish. _Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold._ I shivered. 'He knows. He's coming.' I got up robotically and pulled the phone lead from the wall roughly. There was silence I turned back to the two, arching an eyebrow. 'Well? What are we going to do? Serena and I can't stay here, now can we?' No one answered. '_Nate!_'

He jumped into action at the sound of his name, leaping to his feet. His words gushed out. 'I'm going to hire a P.I. see what we can dig up. I'll keep an eye out for any news in Vegas. You two need to find someplace safe to hide Eric.' We all winced at the word "hide". 'You should get out of New York.'

'We could go back to Paris?' I suggested doubtfully. I sat by Serena, throwing my arm once again around her shoulder.

'No. He knows where you live there.' Serena disagreed. 'Anyway, you shouldn't have to stay with me. This is my problem, not yours.'

'Serena, I'm staying with you whatever happens!' I growled fiercely, tightening my hold as though I'd never let go. 'We stick together, got it? Nate and I are helping you, and there's nothing you can say against that. We're your friends and we want to do this.'

'I'm always burdening you,' Serena moaned miserably. 'I'm so sorry!'

'Don't worry about that, worry about where we're going to hide you,' Nate took Serena's hand supportively. 'We need somewhere safe and protected. Far from here. Somewhere we can get in touch easily though. Someone we trust...' A flash of an idea illuminated his eyes. His whole face seemed to come alive. 'Yes!' he hissed through his teeth.

'What? Where?' I questioned, both eager and suspicious. My muscles tightened in anticipation.

'Wait,' Nate held up a hand and fished his cell phone from his pocket with the other. Nate went to stand by the fireplace while Serena and I waited anxiously on the couch. He dialed someone's number and greeted him or her warmly.

'Hey - yeah I know! I'm sorry... Ha! You know I could never.' I fought the urge to go over and motion for him to hurry things along. 'Listen, I need to ask you a favor... I know, I know, I'm terrible... Listen, I don't know how opposed to this you'll be but... I really need your help... Thanks man. Well, I need you to make room in that obscenely huge home of yours for three guests... Right, sorry, of course, you have so many now I have to state which _country_ the house I'm talking about is in. Umm, well, where are you now?' He looked over to us meaningfully, 'England, huh?'

I raised a thumb in agreement, nodding my head excitedly. Nate nodded once in acknowledgement and turned away.

'Yeah, I can imagine you in England... An old manor huh? You're really living it now... Oh, wow, really? Listen... about our guests... Yes, I know you'll treat them good but they need...' I saw the grimace on his profile, 'protection... No question asked? Yeah,' he scoffed, 'you say that now. Wait to you hear who they are...' Nate sighed, listening to whoever was on the other end of the line, 'you're guests,' he glanced anxiously at Serena and I on the couch, 'will be Blair, Serena and Eric... No, no! Blair is fine. Everyone is fine.'

I frowned. How did this person know us? _Who_ was this person? 'You said you wouldn't ask questions... Would you calm down and let me get a word in edge ways? They are fine, they just need to come stay with you a while so that things can calm down here. I know you'll treat them well and offer all the protection possible even though it won't be necessary. It's just a precaution.'

Nate paused, the speaker on the line was ranting it seemed. Nate's eyes flickered to me. I stiffened. With a grimace, Nate put the phone away from his ear. He offered to me and I frowned in response. 'He wants to speak with you.'

Though I was shocked, I took the phone on instinct without asking whom I was about to speak with. 'Hello?' I asked awkwardly.

'Blair.' The caller breathed and I recognized the voice immediately. Chuck Bass. Nate had called Chuck Bass. 'Are you okay? What's going on?' He asked in a panicky tone. My eyes tightened as I glowered at Nate, who shrugged.

'Serena got into some trouble.' I said stiffly. 'We need to stay some place safe and far away.'

'You'll come here of course. I'll send my jet immediately. But... But you're _okay_ right?'

I sighed irritably. Why did he keep asking me that? 'I'm _fine. _Serena's the one you need to worry about. Just send your plane, alright?' Without waiting for a response I held the phone out to Nate, practically forcing it into his hand like I'd just found out it carried some disgusting disease.

I stood while Nate talked quickly on the phone. 'Come help me pack my stuff, S.'

Serena tried to apologize to me several times as we hurriedly packed my bags. I cut her off every time so after awhile she attempted small talk. 'I haven't seen Chuck in ages. This should be kind of fun huh?'

I shot her a look. 'Not the hiding from my scary, murderer husband part, obviously.' She giggled nervously at her own words. I did not find the situation at all humorous. I guessed that fear was messing with her head. Perhaps she was high off the adrenaline. 'Would you stop looking at me like I'm insane?' I didn't reply, though I did look away. 'England though? Nate said he was living in a manor he'd inherited from his mother's side of the family. I didn't even know Misty had English roots.'

'Hm.' I replied stiffly. 'Fancy that.'

'Have you seen Chuck recently?' Serena asked casually. 'He seemed very worried for you.' So she'd noticed that too. I frowned.

'He's worried for both of us.'

'I know. I know.' Serena soothed. 'But have you?' She pressed. I looked up, my eyes questioning. 'Seen him recently, I mean.'

My cheeks flushed at the memory. I'd thrown myself at him unexpectedly, and then ditched him just as quickly, leaving him confused and hurt. Well at least I think he was hurt. It was always so hard to tell with Chuck, he covered everything so well. I hated that. I hated that he was so difficult to read but to him, I was an open book. I realized I'd taken too long to answer when I heard Serena's sharp intake of breath.

'You have! You're blushing! Oh this has got to be good. What happened?' Serena jumped on the bed and lay out next to my suitcase, cupping her jaw with her hands. Her eyes were alight.

I scowled. 'Serena. May I remind you I am a married women and you are acting like a twelve year old?'

'Yeah but come on, it's Chuck. You two have so much history. Plus you cannot lie when your cheeks are seven shades of scarlet.'

'Again. I'm married. Nothing happened!'

'Fine!' Serena pouted and I threw a pillow at her with a giggle.

'Okay...' Nate's voice interrupted from the doorway. 'Everything's settled. Chuck knows the situation. You'll catch the helicopter at nine, it'll take you to the Bass jet and you'll fly to England. A car will greet you to take you to the manor.'

'Are you sure Chuck doesn't mind?' Serena asked, face concerned.

Was I imagining things or did Nate's eyes flicker to me? 'Uh.' He coughed. 'No I don't think he minds. He's really worried about the both of you. Well,' Nate looked back over his shoulder, 'the three of you. I think you guys should come stay with me till tonight. You know... just in case...'

'Your place?' I asked skeptically. 'Isn't there somewhere else?'

All good humor was gone from the room as the weight of the dangerous situation settled over us.

'Hm. How about my wife's parent's place? They're gone for the weekend. It's only a couple of hours anyway. I have the key.'

'Perfect.'

We were all ready to go but Eric was somewhat reluctant.

'No! Mommy, take me home! I miss Daddy! Why can't we go home?'

It was heart wrenching to see Serena try to persuade him, unable to say anything against the man the boy idolized. The boy's father. The man we ran from.

In the end Serena simply had to carry him out while he kicked and screamed, crying till his face turned cherry red.

I was strangely paranoid when I got outside my door. It was strange how quickly things could change: not hours ago had I walked this streets with Eric, perfectly at ease. Now, I jumped at the sound of a car rounding the corner, my eyes constantly darting from side to side as I helped Nate drag our luggage to the cab.

'Blair?' Nate asked once the last bag was in the trunk. I turned expectantly to see him holding his hand out. 'Your cell phone.' Frowning, I dug into my pocket and gave him what he demanded. Like Serena had done before in the kitchen he dismantled it. 'Trackable,' he explained.

'How very CSI of you.' I commented, slightly impressed.

'Serena?' He called out to the distracted blonde, who was trying to get Eric to sit still in the cab.

'Don't worry; she already had a tantrum with hers. It's taken care of.'

'Good.'

'Let's go, then.' I feigned a cheerful tone.

I tried not to think about the whole situation. It was rather daunting. I had no idea what I was doing, or how I got to this point. All I knew is that I loved Serena, and I would do anything to protect her.

Next chapter; the group is off to England, Nate recieves an unwelcome visitor and sparks fly between Blair and Chuck


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I recognise I own nothing, yada yada...

**A/N: **Thanks to all my reviewers!

I'd been watching Zahara, a gorgeous blonde model I'd picked up in Monaco with legs up to _there_, apply a fresh coat of lipstick in preparation for the dinner party we would soon be attending when Nate called me. He'd asked me for help and my first thought was that he had gotten himself into money problems - something I could easily help with. When he name-dropped Blair into the conversation - (Blair and danger in the same sentence, quiet my racing heart) - I lost all logic.

I'd been edgy ever since and I knew the feeling of agitation would not leave until I had Blair in my sight, safe and well. Surely their plane should have landed by now? I'd been reduced to pacing outside the limo in the drizzling rain. Back and fourth I stalked, checking my watch every few paces. The seconds ticked by sluggishly beneath my impatient gaze.

Finally, their dark figures appeared through the mist.

Blair's cheeks were rose pink tinged from the cold, her skin otherworldly pale in the soft morning's dew. Serena was still beautiful, though her face was drawn and pinched. Serena's hand was clasped around Eric's, but he broke free from her grasp when he spotted me; a delighted cry leaping from his lips, 'Uncle Chuck!'

The boy ran forward, his coat flapping slightly in the wind and his face aglow. 'Uncle Chuck!' He skidded to a halt in front of me and I smirked down at him. He looked so much like Serena it was astounding. But the one he really reminded me of was the boy he'd gotten his name from. It was the good nature, the innocence, the way he could lift my moods, the familial bond. The tiny face stared up at me with wide-eyed admiration.

'Hello, Eric.' I reached out and patted his head once. Eric threw his tiny arms around my waist and craned his neck backward so he could continue to grin up at me toothily.

I looked up, rather helplessly, to find Blair staring at me with the strangest look. As soon as she noticed she'd been caught, she looked away sharply, her chin held high. Serena on the other hand, looked tired and grieved. 'Sister,' I greeted, though we were no long legally related; it was simply force of habit, 'still bringing the drama, I see.'

'Hi, Chuck.' Serena's voice was bland and strained. 'Listen, I don't know how I can ever thank you for this...'

Feeling uncomfortable, I cut over her quickly, 'just get in the vehicle, S.'

While their luggage was loaded up, I followed my guests into the back seat of the limo.

'Best not sit too close Blair, we learned last time we met how hard you find it to control yourself in my vicinity.' My teasing earned Blair a curious glance from Serena, the expression making her face look less dead. Blair, on the other hand, gave me a stony look before turning away.

The stormy sky and gloomy scenery outside my window reflected the mood inside the limo, but I could not bring myself down to the black frequency everyone else seemed to be operating on; while Blair and Serena were somber, hard-faced and tense, I felt comfortable and elated. I had Blair with me once again, and she'd be living in my home for who knew how long.

Another who refused to be touched by the dreary mood and worse weather was Eric. While I was inwardly celebrating Blair's presence, he was outwardly praising mine. He did not stop jabbering the whole ride.

'Chuck, it's almost Christmas!' Eric informed me excitedly. 'At school we had to write these lists for Santa, but I left mine at home!' The boy frowned. 'Does that mean I won't get anything?'

'Don't worry about Santa, he's got nothing on me; I'll make sure you have a great Christmas.' I promised with a smug grin.

'Guess what Chuck? At school we...' It continued on like that till we arrived at the manor and Eric was distracted by the building. '...You live here? Wow!'

'Chuck, this place is beautiful,' Serena complimented in a voice filled with wonderment as we stepped out. I glanced at Blair who was gazing, lips parted slightly, at the manor with an awe-struck expression.

'Yes, well, lets admire it from the inside; it's freezing out here.' I ushered them inside where we were greeted by the butler. 'Have lunch prepared for our guests in the western dining room,' I instructed.

It had been a week since I'd sent the girls and Eric to stay with Chuck in England, and in the meantime I'd been looking for anything we could use against Thomas. Seven days of working night and day and so far I'd come up empty handed. Thomas wasn't exactly clean, there was just no solid evidence to condemn him. There was plenty of hearsay, but that was all it was.

I'd been growing more and more frustrated every day, and I wasn't the only one.

It was two in the morning and I was tiptoeing toward my bed as quietly as possible. Alice's voice made me jump. 'Nate.'

'Did I wake you?' I murmured in quiet tones. I sat softly on the edge of the bed and stepped on the heels of my shoes to slip my feet out. I felt the ache of fatigue drumming on the inside of my skull.

'No. I was already up... So who is she?'

My head whipped round to face her in surprise. 'Pardon?'

Alice sat up and switched on the bedside lamp. We both squinted in the sudden light. Alice rubbed her face tiredly. 'I feel like I haven't seen you in days. Whenever I call your office you're either out or busy. You've been creeping home in the early hours of the morning... Nate, I'm not stupid. Let me guess; blonde, leggy and twenty-one?'

'Alice! I am not having an affair! Look, I've taken on a really important case and the workload is insane right now. I'm sorry I haven't been around, I just... I'm helping out a friend and I really need to do this. When it's over we can go back to how we were, I swear. I just need to solve this case.'

Alice had not looked either impressed or convinced.

The next morning I loaded up on caffeine and was off to the office by eight. A surprise was waiting for me behind my desk.

'Thomas.' I greeted stonily.

He smiled pleasantly, replacing a picture of Alice back on my desk. 'Nathaniel. It's good to see you. And how are you?' I said nothing, and my silence made his smile wider. 'You know we're not so different, you and I. I think it's fair to say we're both family men, no?'

I narrowed my eyes when his flickered back to the photo of Alice. Thomas sighed and stood. 'Nate. Stop digging. There is nothing to find. Stop protecting Serena. We both know this is pointless. Eventually, Serena is going to come running back to the safety I provide. She belongs with me, as does our son. And all this is just a time wasting hitch. It would be much easier for you to quit humouring Serena, because as much as I love the girl, she can be rather dramatic.'

'Serena will never be going back to you.'

Thomas dropped the façade then. His face immediately darkened. 'Where is she?'

I smiled. 'You'll never find her.'

A muscle jumped in Thomas's jaw. 'Stop digging. Else poor Alice won't be as beautiful as she once was.' His threat knocked the wind out of my stomach and I had to clench my fists so tight they shook to prevent myself punching Thomas.

'Nate, be reasonable. Is Serena's silly games really worth all this? We both have Serena's best interests at heart. We both want to protect her. Call me when you figure out we're both on the same side.'

Serena's husband made his exit then, face contorting into the pleasant smile that had greeted me. 'Goodbye, Nathaniel Archibald.' He nodded to me at the door. 'I do hope you take my advice on board. You have my number.'

When Thomas had disappeared out the door, I took the seat he had been occupying behind my desk. There in front of me, a newspaper was spread on the headline, _'Unstable mother kidnaps billionaire's son_._'_

I was chilled as I read further.

'_Police have launched a search for Serena Van der Woodsen-Black, wife of Casino owner Thomas Black, and their young son, Eric. Former New York socialite, Van der Woodsen (28) had been seeing a psychiatrist up until leaving unexpectedly with her son a week ago. Dr Rose, who had been Van der Woodsen's doctor since she overdosed on cocaine years ago, released a statement saying, "Serena is very ill and needs to be in a caring, loving environment. It is possible this abrupt behaviour has been caused by a lapse back into her previous drug problems. For their own safety, Eric and Serena need to be found immediately."_

'_Black (31) is naturally distraught. "All I want is my family back together. Serena needs to be found before she harms herself or our son… I was frantic when I found them gone..."'_

I stopped reading there, closing my eyes and digging my fingers into the arms of my chair. 'God damn it!'

Once I could think clearly, I anxiously picked up my phone and dialled for Serena's new cell phone.

'Nate, hey.' Serena greeted warmly.

'Serena…' I didn't know how to continue. My stomach churned unpleasantly and I felt out of breath. 'I have some bad news.' I heard Serena's breath hitch. 'Thomas has launched a missing person's investigation. He's claiming you're mentally unstable… He must have paid off your doctor. They're saying you may harm yourself or… Eric.'

'No!' Serena cried out. 'I would never! He knows I would never! How could Thomas do this to me?'

'He's getting desperate.'

I remembered his previous words. _We're both on the same side_. Ha! I would keep Serena away from him if it cost me my life. He would never have her.

'Don't worry; we're going to be okay. I'm going to get you out of this.' I promised solemnly.

'I…I believe you.' There was a pause were I wished with all my heart that I could see her, hold her in my arms and comfort her… 'Nate?' Serena began hesitantly. 'I've been thinking.'

'What is it?' My heartbeat picked up in anticipation as I waited for her next words.

'It's about the man that Thomas… that Thomas killed. Who was he?'

My stomach dropped in disappointment. But what had I been expecting? I shook my head, cursing myself. 'Are you sure you want to know?' I didn't want to upset her further.

'Please.'

'There was a man who matched the date. He was a business investor. Hector Madison was found in a back alley in Brooklyn, shot to death in a mugging.' I licked my lips before I continued. 'He had a wife and daughter in Manhattan, and was forty-two years of age.'

'I see.' Serena whispered quietly in a thick voice. 'Call me soon, Nate.'

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye she hung up so fast.

* * *

'I saw your whore sneaking out of your room the other day.'

I allowed my eyes to flicker to Blair as we walked at a leisurely pace through the manor gardens. The dead leaves crunched beneath my shoes, the grass moist. I could see my breath misty white in front of my face.

'She's very blonde.'

'She's not a whore. She's a model from Monaco.' I replied loftily. 'She was staying here until Serena's drama party showed up and I had to put her up in the village instead.'

'Why, it's not like you don't have enough room.'

'I remembered your sensitive eyes.'

'Why would I care? You just said she's not a whore, anyway.'

'Yes, but you'd find a way to moan about it being inappropriate in front of Eric. I know you.'

'When did you pick her up?'

I smiled to myself. 'What is this fascination with my girlfriend, Waldorf?'

'Thornhill,' Blair corrected reflexively.

'Right, sorry Mrs Thornhill.'

'You make me feel old.' Blair smirked. I gave her a questioning glance. She shook her head. 'I'm married and you're still prancing about with foreign barely-legal models. And when you call me _Mrs _I feel like I'm your teacher and you're a naughty school boy I've caught with a girl behind the bike sheds.'

'Kinky. I always preferred older women anyway. You could fulfil a fantasy for me; I reckon you'd look good in a teacher's outfit. Then again, you could always pull anything off.'

She reached out and gave me a shove, which made me laugh. Despite herself, she grinned. 'Just shut up.'

'So how come I wasn't invited to the wedding?' The question had been bugging me. I stared out to the lake in the west, pocketing my cold hands. I'd surrendered my scarf to Blair when she'd shivered for the second time.

Blair sighed. 'I don't know. I had a dilemma over whether to invite you. I hadn't seen you since we'd broken up and the wounds still felt fresh, even when I was with someone else. I just didn't think I could stand to see you sitting there when I headed up the aisle. If I had, would you have come?'

'Of course not.' I barked a bitter laugh. 'Would have been nice to be invited, though.'

'Sorry.'

'I have to say, when I heard you were engaged,' I winced, the memory replaying in my head, 'I was… surprised.' It had been like being dropkicked in the stomach. I'd gone on an alcohol-fuelled sex-binge for days, wallowing in self-pity. And I'd realized as my chest ached with unbearable agony that I'd still thought somehow Blair and I would find our way back to each other. The words 'Blair's engaged' had crushed all my hopes.

'Yes. It all happened rather fast.'

_Did you ever feel you were insulting my memory?_ I wanted to add, but I knew that it was not a thought I should ever speak out loud.

It began to rain. The first drop hit my cheek and I bent my head back to stare at the cloudy sky. More drops followed and I opened the umbrella I'd been holding at my side over us. Blair stood close, hunching her shoulders away from the rain and facing me. My nostrils were filled with the scent of wet grass and damp tree bark. Glancing down at Blair I saw her smiling up at me serenely. The moment was too perfect to miss; I leant down to kiss her. Instead of my lips finding hers, I found her cheek as she'd turned her head away immediately after realizing my intention.

There was an awkward pause in which her face stayed turned away, her eyes blinking furiously and I scowled at her rejection. Then, she whispered, 'walk me back to the manor.'

I wanted to tell her to walk herself back, and then I realized she needed my umbrella. Ha, she was stuck with me. Ignoring her request, I asked bluntly, 'why did you kiss me at that party?'

Blair shook her head furiously, still refusing to turn her head back and face me properly. 'It doesn't matter. It shouldn't... it _didn't_ mean anything.'

I reached out with a hand to take her jaw and turn her lips to mine, whispering, 'does this mean anything?'

As soon as our cold lips touched, she pushed my hand away and stepped back. A stick snapped beneath her foot. The rain pattered around us, occasionally hitting the umbrella with a popping sound. 'Don't. Please. Just stop it, Chuck. Walk me back,' she commanded, voice firmer this time. 'Walk me back or give me the damn umbrella.'

'Did it mean anything back then?' I spat angrily.

'What?' Surprise coloured her voice at my venomous tone.

'Did it never mean a thing, then? Us? Was that why you moved on so quickly?'

Blair let out an exasperated laugh. '_I_ moved on so quickly? You were screwing girls by the next _week_!'

'_You _got married! _Married!_ Besides, you were the one who broke up with me.' I jabbed a finger at her. 'I would have stayed with you forever.'

'I may have been the one who said it was over, but you were the one who made it official! We broke up all the time, Chuck, and then simply got back together. That was how it worked! But you ruined it! I was waiting for you to apologize when I heard about you fucking about with other girls! Do you know how that hurt me?'

I almost swallowed my tongue in indignation. Rage boiled up inside me. '_Apologize?'_ I whispered in a low voice. 'Apologize for _what?_ You want to know what _hurt _Blair? What really hurt? Was that when you broke up with me, you told me I'd never be enough for you. You said I'd never be good enough. That's why I didn't come grovelling back, cause those words were like you reaching down my throat and tearing out my heart so don't talk to me about _apologizing_. You told me I'd never be enough for you and I believed you, with every fibre of my being I believed you. So what was the point?'

Blair gasped. 'I _never_ said that!'

'It's been playing over and over in my head like it got stuck to my skull for years so don't even try to deny it Blair.' I replied sharply.

_'I believe you when you say you love me Chuck, I do. But that's not enough. Not when you always put your self first. You're so damn selfish, and though I know you care about me, you will _always_ care more about yourself. If it would benefit you, you would screw me over in a second. And that's why we'll never be work. Your love isn't enough. I'm sorry.'_

'I was angry! I said some stuff, like always. Never before then had you listened to anything I ever said! I waited for you to come back to me and you never did!'

Blair growled throatily in frustration when we both noticed the tears escaping down her cheeks. 'For god's sake!' She cursed loudly, wiping roughly at her eyes. 'Just forget this, okay? I don't want to talk about it. It's in the past, and the past should stay buried! Now please just walk me back!'

I stared at her without speaking for a long moment. She couldn't hold my gaze and she turned away, stalking angrily from beneath the umbrella. Instinctively, I reached out and grabbed her sleeve, pulling her back. 'Hey wait up; you'll catch a cold out there! It's ages till the house. I'll walk you back, alright.' My voice was strained with annoyance.

We walked back in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.

_Never enough_

_Selfish_

_Selfish_

_Selfish_

And I was still being selfish now, but Blair could never know that. No one could ever know what I know…

As we approached the house, Blair turned to me. 'Just forget everything okay. You and I were over a long time ago and that's that. I'm here only for Serena and _nothing_ is going to happen between us. I am married.'

Blair's nose was tinged pink, her eyes bloodshot. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, the only woman I'd ever loved.

In answer, I simply shrugged. Blair nodded curtly and then turned on her heel toward the door.

Next chapter; what is Chuck's secret? Could it be the key to solving all problems?


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gossip Girl or its characters in any way blah blah...

**A/N:** Thanks so much for all your reviews! There is one chapter after this and then the epilogue, I haven't written either though so I'm not sure when they'll be up.

'I want to go home!' Eric was shouting in the room next door. Next to me, Serena sighed. The blonde rubbed her forehead and shook her head, deploring the current situation.

We heard Chuck trying to calm the boy. 'You're overdramatic, exactly like your mother,' made Eric cry harder.

'I miss my Dad!'

There was a clap of skin smacking against skin and Chuck's 'OW!' caused both Serena and I to stride into the drawing room where Chuck was rubbing his cheek, coloured a sore red.

'Eric! You don't hit!' Serena chided exasperatedly.

Chuck pushed up from the floor where he'd been sat, attempting to soothe Eric. 'Don't worry about it.'

Eric began to cry more hysterically. I went toward him. 'Eric, it's okay. Sometimes I want to hit Chuck too.' I reached out for him, but he pushed my hand away.

'NO! Where's my Daddy?' He screamed, snot dribbling from his tiny nose. The three of us looked at each other helplessly. 'I WANT TO GO HOOOME!' Eric balled up his fists and bellowed at the top of his voice.

'Just click your heels together and chant "there's no place like home"' I heard Chuck mutter sarcastically and I shot him a dark look. He shrugged at me, and turned away.

Serena kneeled before her son and caught his flailing arms. She pulled him into a tight hug, which at first he struggled against. After a while he wore himself out and cried into her shoulder while she whispered repeatedly in his ear. Sensing this was a private moment between mother and son, I followed Chuck as we crept silently out the door.

Unsure of what to do with myself, I wondered up to the beautifully decorated bedroom Chuck had provided me with.

I'd acquired a new cell phone and I had been putting off calling Albert for days, who still had no idea what was going on. I knew I had to call him, so I took a deep breath and dialed.

'Blair!' he greeted. 'Where have you been? I've been calling the town house and your cell all day.'

'Sorry. I've been busy.' I couldn't keep my voice from sounding sharp and annoyed. I was still furious at him, I realized.

'Blair. What's going on? I'm worried. Are you with that awful friend of yours, Serena again? Her husband has been calling me, absolutely frantic. She's up and left again. Can that girl ever stay still? Thomas says you're with her. Now, Blair,' Albert chided, 'you ought not get yourself involved in other people's tiffs. And you certainly should not be encouraging Serena. She needs to go back to her home. It really is terrible; her ripping a child from his home.'

'Albert you really know nothing about it,' I replied stiffly, blazing with anger inwardly. 'And you are not my father so please do not tell me what to do.'

'But I am your husband! Really, Blair, you know what I think of Serena. You're best away from her. I want you home.'

I growled in frustration. 'Listen to me, Albert. Do not talk to Thomas. Stay away from him. I'm not coming home yet. Just know that I am fine. Don't call me, I'll call you Goodbye.' I hung up, cutting off his protests. Immediately I turned off my phone.

There was a soft knock on my door and Chuck entered. He watched me stuff my phone into my purse with jerky movements and asked, 'who was that?' I was sure he'd picked up on my irritated mood.

'Albert.'

At the name, Chuck immediately looked away, sneering nastily. 'And where is Albert?' Chuck piped up hotly. 'What kind of a husband leaves his wife to fend alone against all this?'

'I told you he doesn't know!'

'Right. I forgot, he allowed you to take a trip alone.'

'He _allowed_ me nothing. I do as I please.' I responded sharply.

'He should be here! He should be taking care of you! How can you even call that prick your husband?'

'Why do you hate him so much?' I asked viciously.

Chuck turned, scowling. He looked completely exasperated. 'Why do I hate him? _Why do I hate him?_ Are you fucking insane? Of course I hate him! You're mine!'

Heat flooded with in me and I surged forward to fling my arms around him and connect my needy mouth to his. My heart felt like it might explode out of my chest in its effort to be closer to Chuck.

Chuck responded to my kiss with even more passion, his hands in my hair, at the back of my neck, gripping my waist to lift me to him; I wrapped my legs and clenched them tight around his torso and kissed harder.

I vaguely registered he was walking me somewhere, but when his warm hands snuck up beneath my shirt and caressed the skin of my back I lost all ability to think. I ran my fingers through his soft hair and sighed against his lips.

I felt the shift as Chuck lowered me to the bed and my eyes fluttered open. His pupils were dilated, his lips bruised and his hair ruffled; I'd never seen a more beautiful sight. I dragged him back to me and pressed against him as hard as possible, feeling frantic and urgent and in need of _more_.

'You're mine.' He growled possessively in my ear as he ripped at my clothing.

'_Yes,' _I nodded encouragingly, squeezing my eyes shut in pleasure. 'Yes, I'm yours. Please, Chuck.' I wasn't sure what I was begging for, rationality had fled me as soon as he'd begun to kiss and bite at my neck.

* * *

I felt pleasantly sore and warm all over my body. With one finger I stroked the ivory skin of Chuck's back making him smile adorably into the pillow his cheek was pressed into. His eyes fluttered opened and closed, lashes thick and long in a natural way that the best mascara could never achieve.

I sighed. 'I wish we could stay in this moment forever.'

Chuck rolled over then, and faced me with a contented smirk. I snuggled into his arms, feeling his warmth surround me. 'I've missed you so much. I want to just stay with you forever, free from all the drama. No Albert… No Thomas…' As I said their names, the weight of our problems descended on me once again. 'Everything is so screwed up,' I sighed.

Chuck's face softened. 'You don't need to be involved.'

'I do. I could never leave Serena alone in all this. She's cracking under the pressure. Can you believe what Thomas has done? I mean, going to the papers and declaring her insane? Serena would _never_ hurt Eric. Not in a million years.'

'It hurts you very much, doesn't it?' Chuck interrupted my thought process with a voice like velvet. I frowned at him questioningly. 'To watch Serena in this mess?'

The tears burned suddenly in the back of my eyes and my throat began to constrict, making it difficult to answer. I managed to choke out one word, 'yes.' My body felt so tired, the flood gates were so battered they opened too easily now, and his simple concern made the wounds in my chest throb and ache. In my pulse I heard the _I love you, I love you, I love you_, I'd whispered over and over as I clung to him. _I love you, Chuck Bass._

Chuck began to move and I realized he was sitting up, away from me. I followed, hurt. 'What's going on?' He looked away, but not before I caught the expression of torment on his face. His eyes were as black as mercury with an ancient grief that I couldn't understand. Panic welled inside of me.

'You're going to hate me. But I suppose it must be done. I don't want you to hurt anymore.'

'I don't understand…' I leaned forward, begging for answers. Hot tears squeezed from my eyes and Chuck wiped them away tenderly. 'What's going on?'

'I have a way to stop it all. I can take down Thomas… forever. I can end everything, and I always knew I could.' I turned to stone in his arms for shock.

'What? How?'

'I have documents of a few… less than legal business transactions between Thomas and I. I was younger then, stupid. I have solid evidence to incriminate him, but by incriminating him I incriminate myself. I didn't speak up before because,' he smiled mirthlessly never meeting my gaze, 'well, I'm a selfish creature. I figured Nate would find a way or… Thomas would give up on Serena. I don't know. All I knew was how much I loved having you here, and Eric and Serena too, and I could only think of myself. But now I see how it burdens you, and if I can help you then I have to. I love you. And now you hate me.' He finished quietly.

I felt like I had two options, I was either going to be sick or I was going to pass out. Every nerve in my body stung with the backlash of betrayal.

I wasn't sure how long we sat in silence before he spoke in a broken voice, 'Blair, say something.'

'You lied. Again. You lied to me. You kept this from me.'

I didn't care that I was naked, I didn't care that my legs felt like jelly, I didn't care my face was swollen and red from crying, I didn't care that part of me yearned to lie down in his arms and forget he ever spoke: I stood and wrapped the bed sheet around myself.

'Blair, please,' he begged.

I couldn't look at him; if I saw his face I would break.

'What am I to say to you?' I asked as I stumbled shakily toward the door. 'What words could possibly convey what I am feeling right now? What curses are there for what you have done?' I sobbed tearlessly and wrestled with my lungs to catch my breath. At the door, I hung to the handle. I stared at the dark, polished wood. 'You are a liar, Chuck Bass, and a cheat.' I choked and gripped harder. 'I trusted you.'

'Blair-'

'Just give me time! I can't think right now!' I couldn't even breathe.

I escaped without a glance backward. I felt catatonic, numb.

* * *

I wasn't awake and I wasn't asleep. I knew I wasn't dead but there was no way I was living. I simply existed.

'Blair?' A soft call of my name was accompanied by a knock. Vaguely, I recognised that voice. It was custom to respond when your name is spoken, but I couldn't bring myself to function.

Blankly I registered the door disrupting the air as it opened followed by a gasp. 'Blair!'

'Blair, sweetheart, talk to me! Are you okay?'

My eyes were open, yet I couldn't see. The insistent calling of someone I knew I loved began to drag me back out of my abyss and I blinked to find myself lying unmoving on the hard wooden floor of my bedroom, wrapped only in a bed sheet.

Slowly, things began to trickle back. My limbs ached from where they were awkwardly laid on the uncomfortable place I chosen to collapse in. I remembered my knees buckling with and hitting the wood with thud that I heard but did not feel. I felt the bruises in my knees, now. I felt the cold of my skin and the warmth of Serena's hands on my body.

'Serena,' I murmured and was surprised at the roughness of my voice. It was slightly hard to talk with my cheek pressed against the wood.

'Blair,' she breathed in my ear, 'oh Blair.' Serena disappeared with a rustled of clothing and a breeze of air and then returned to lay a heavy duvet over my unmoving body.

She came into my view as she lowered herself next to me below the quilt till we were face to face.

'I feel dead, Serena,' I admitted in a tone that reflected the statement.

'This is about Chuck.'

His name ripped holes in my chest, but I couldn't even flinch.

'How long has it been?' I frowned, talking more to myself as I wondered how long I'd been lying on the floor, floating in nothing. 'What time is it, Serena?'

'It's almost nine. You've been missing for hours. You didn't come to dinner when the maids or I called. I figured you needed time.' I could feel her beautiful blue eyes studying my face, but didn't move mine to hers.

'So you know everything then.'

'Yes. Chuck wants to give himself up to save us. I begged him to reconsider, but he won't hear of it.'

'I don't understand. Aren't you angry? He lied, kept this from us for so long.'

'I'm not mad, no. I never expected anything from him. I'm no fool, however. And I understand he wants to help you. I knew my attempts to stop him were futile.'

'Wait?' Now I felt truly awake. Every part of my body ached in agony, but one part of my mind was still working clearly. 'What do you mean stop him?'

'Blair, he's giving himself up to the police. Now. Tonight. He's leaving for New York to sort this mess. To save us. To save you.'

'Leaving?' I repeated. 'Now?'

'Yes!'

'No!'

I leapt upwards; thankful my body was not failing me now, and sprang toward the door.

'Wait, Blair!'

'I have to stop him!' I was no longer thinking now, thinking caused too much pain. There were too many emotions to sort through. All I knew is I had to get to Chuck.

'Here!' Serena held out my dressing gown, eyes begging me to be rational if only for a second.

Hastily I shoved my arms through the sleeves and dropped the sheet while Serena tied a tight knot to hold the gown closed. I made the mistake of looking at her. I remembered if I stopped Chuck I ruined Serena's chance. Even as the weight of the realization hit me, I didn't hesitate. I turned and flew from the room.

My bare feet pounded through the manor, never moving fast enough. I rounded the corner on to the balcony just in time to see Chuck disappear through the grand front door below and I literally leapt down the stairs and straight out into the rain after him.

'Chuck!' My scream was lost on the wind, but he heard it somehow and turned, surprised. I ran to him, my arms thrown wide. He caught me and I practised the art of punching and hugging at the same time. I pounded on his chest while his arms made a cage around me. 'Don't go! Don't go!' I sobbed, blinking rapidly as the tears stung my eyes.

He smiled down at me, a heart-breaking sentiment that told me I'd lost. 'I have to.' His quiet words destroyed my world. The ground disappeared from beneath my feet and the only thing keeping me upright were his arms, which would soon be gone.

'Please, please, Chuck. Don't do this.' I begged him uselessly. 'Stay! Please don't go!'

'But this is what you wanted. I have to set you free, Blair. I can save Serena; it's what you wanted.'

'Fuck Serena!' I yelled in his face. 'I don't care!' I did care. I did. I loved Serena, but the protectiveness, the pity I felt for her paled in comparison to my need and love for Chuck. 'You have to stay Chuck! You don't have to do this, please! Stay for me!'

'I'm doing this for you. You always said I was selfish, and you were right. I always put myself first. But not anymore. I love you, I'd do anything for you. You come first Blair.'

'Not like this.'

'This is my redemption,' he smiled. 'It has to be like this.'

Why wasn't he listening to me?

Rain soaked tendrils of my hair were getting in my eyes and mouth but I couldn't release my hands from the fists they'd made in his shirt to push them away. I knew I was hysterical, and I knew I couldn't stop him, but I didn't stop pleading.

'I'll wait for you,' I promised despairingly.

'Listen to me,' he cupped my jaw in his strong hands and pulled my eyes to his, 'after this is all over go back to France. Go back to your husband. That is your life. Don't linger over me. Don't worry about me.'

'Like you don't even exist?' I whispered weakly. The thought tore me in two, as if forgetting Chuck was forgetting a part of myself. It was inconceivable.

'Exactly.'

'I can't!' I shook my head erratically while he nodded his calmly. 'NO!'

'You're going to be fine. You don't need me. You and Serena and Eric are going to be fine. I love you, Blair.'

His words sounded so final. They meant it was over. _It was over. It was over. It was over._

He leant down and kissed me. I wanted to push away but I wanted to kiss him forever. I had a chance to neither as he pulled away quickly as though he didn't trust himself to part from me if he stayed to long.

'Bye, Blair.' I tried to hold on, but he broke from my grasp. I watched frozen, insane from agony and still breathlessly sobbing while the limo disappeared.

Arms wrapped themselves around my trembling shoulder and Serena's whispered tones of 'it's okay' fell into my ear. They felt like treason.

I pushed away from her roughly and turned, a ferocious beast rising within me. 'Just stop Serena!' I screamed, wrath providing me with limitless amounts of strength. 'Just stop! I don't want to hear _anything_ you have to say. I don't want to hear empty apologies because I don't want to have to comfort you. '

''Cause you know what? It's your entire fucking fault! You ruined your life, but that wasn't enough was it? So you had to have a son and ruin his life too. And then you ruin my life for the thousandth time and now Chuck's. What gives you the right? But you can't help it, can you? It's just what you do. Everything you touch turns to ash and you just float on pretending like you give a damn. But all you really care about is yourself. I've lost everything because of you. _I HATE YOU.'_

Her distraught expression did not touch me. I didn't even feel a tickle of guilt. I had been possessed by rage. My palms itched to slam themselves against Serena's face.

'Blair…' her bottom lip shook.

'I have to be done with you. I have to be done with you. Serena, _you are dead to me_.' As I said the words, I felt the weight lift. As the burden disappeared, the anger fizzled out and left me numb once again. I felt more tired than I'd ever been. Moving robotically, I walked past Serena who was shaking with silent tears, and into the house.

It's over.

Next chapter; Blair has an epiphany while she and Serena recieve a pair of less than welcome guests...


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I recognise I own nothing.

**A/N:** So this chapter is veery late, but to make up for that I made it extra long. Alright, before you read this you have to remember that the main genre of this fic is drama - yeah that's me realizing how very... dramatic this chapter is. So our story has come to an end, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and reading your comments. Whoever stuck with this story from start to end: I love you.

'Miss Van der Woodsen?' I smiled weakly in response to the butler who had appeared at the door and called my name softly. 'There are two gentlemen at the door asking for an audience with you. They are waiting in the study.'

'Thank you very much. You and the rest of the staff are excused. Go home to your families.'

The butler looked surprised, but did not argue: Chuck had told him I was in charge before he'd left for New York. I shuddered at the thought of Chuck, practically marching himself to the gallows.

I checked my appearance in the mirror, not wanting to receive my mysterious guests looking like a wreck. My face was tired and sallow looking beneath the light layer of make-up I'd forced myself to apply that morning, wanting some kind of normalcy. My hair looked messy and knotted and I pushed it back from my face with a sigh. I was not really presentable, but I didn't want to keep the pair in the study waiting to long.

I wondered, as I strode to the study, if they were acquaintances of Chuck's. What would I say when they asked after him? Where would I say he had gone, on what business, when would he be back? In the hall I spotted Blair out of the corner of my eye descending the stairs. She had showered and changed out of her sodden robe. I ignored her, as she did I.

Blair cutting her ties with me had torn holes in my chest, but I understood her position. She was heartbroken: her and Chuck had grown close once again and I suspected they had restarted their relationship, and thanks to me, it had all be taken from her. There was a thousands apologies I wanted to make, a thousand promises to put things right after I uprooted her whole life but she would not hear it. I knew my words were feeble anyway.

Side by side we walked to toward the study door. We were so close our arms brushed occasionally, but we seemed so distant that we could be standing on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon.

I entered the study and felt like I had left my mind back in the hall: as soon as my eyes fell upon Thomas Black, I was completely unable to function. I stood frozen solid as he turned from the window and smiled pleasantly at me, eyes flat and dark.

The screaming ache of my lungs brought me back to myself and I remembered I needed to breathe. 'Thomas,' I choked out between gulping breaths.

There was a movement to the left and I focused my eyes on the figure of Albert Thornhill, who was glaring thunderously between Blair and I.

'How did you find us?' Blair immediately demanded after she got over her initial shock. I noticed her take a step closer in my direction and it gave me a tiny amount of comfort. For once, I was glad I had dragged her into this, glad she was here, and glad I could reach out and take her hand if I needed to.

'Blair, I have been going insane trying to find you! What the hell are you doing here? I want you to get your stuff together right now, we are going home!' Albert commanded fiercely, eyes hard and jaw clenched with anger.

I returned my attention back to Thomas, feeling dread beat through my veins. Was this it then? Game over. He'd found me and there was no more running. As if reading my thoughts, Thomas smiled wider. I paled beneath his stare.

'Serena.' He breathed like my name was water on a dehydrated tongue. 'It's so very good to see you. I think we should talk privately, don't you?'

'I'm not leaving her alone with _you_.' Blair growled, stepping forward like a fierce lioness defending her cubs. Maybe deep down, she still loved me then? It would be a miracle, considering everything I'd put her though, not just in the past few weeks but also in years before. 'Albert, I told you to stay away from him!'

'Blair, have you lost your mind? What is going on with you? First you run off to _England_ without a word and now this? You are not acting yourself and it is all _her,_' Albert's eyes flickered to me, intense dislike crossing his livid expression, 'influence. You need to come home with me this instance so gather your things and let's go!'

'I'm not leaving Serena! And would you stop telling me what to do? You are not my father!' Blair protested.

'But I _am _your husband!'

Throughout their whole argument, Thomas and I continued to stare at each other. I felt trembles of fear begin at the base of my spine and I wished I could curl up in a tight ball and hide behind Blair's protective shield. Whispers of my weakness echoed in my mind.

I reached out and touched Blair's thin arm. Her fists were clenched into tight balls, fingers turning white and arms shaking. She looked up into my eyes and I felt her relax ever so slightly. 'Blair, it's okay. I need to talk to Thomas.' Surely my voice couldn't be my own, when it sounded so strong? Were my ears fooling me?

After a moment, Blair nodded. She beckoned to Albert in a jerky movement and made to walk from the study, glancing back at me with an anxious expression the whole time. I smiled what I hoped was a reassuring gesture, though it felt more like a grimace.

When we were alone, I turned to my husband.

Thomas stepped toward me, hands outstretched. I flinched, but stood my round and he took my wrists between his fingers with a sad look on his face. I dropped my gaze as he studied me; it was too hard to look at him with such conflicting emotions within me.

'Serena,' he whispered and he sounded just like the man who sat at my bedside and comforted me while I wept for my mistakes. 'Serena, it feels so fantastic to touch you once again. Everything has gotten so out of hand, but I need you to know that everything I have ever done is for you and I and our family. I just want us to live our lives together, happy and fulfilled. I want to be with you,' he touched his forehead to mine and I wanted to crumble to dust on the floor, 'I want to watch our son become a man together, I want to grow old with you… I need you at my side, my love.'

'What about the man you killed?' My voice was strong, my words cutting. Who was this? It felt like an outer body experience; I allowed all my pent up emotion to take over and drive me and I felt strong and passionate and justified. 'He had a child. I bet he wanted to watch his child grow up. I bet he loved his wife. I bet he wanted to grow old with her.' I bit my lip as I fought down a building sob. I would not cry, I would not cry I chanted in my head, a mantra to keep me focused and grounded. I would not lose myself. I would not give in to Thomas, no matter how many times he told me he loved me, no matter how many promises he made to take care of me, no matter how he comfortingly he held me in his murderous arms.

'I take care of you, don't I Serena? How can you judge the means when you demand the ends? Everything I do, I do for you, and now you shun me for that?' His grip on my wrists became momentarily painful and I gasped at the searing fire the pressure of his fingers brought. Immediately he loosened his hold and I stepped back, breathing air untainted by his presence.

Thomas watched me retreat and his eyes darkened, as though he sensed the double meaning. All pleasantness left his face and I could see the ugly demon peeking through his irises, commanding his cheeks bones, clenching his jaw.

'You are so ungrateful! You know that?' He spat, tongue curling viciously around every word. 'Do you realize where you'd be without me Serena? You'd most probably have died in the gutter years back! And what will you do without me? You are not strong enough to brave this world alone! You think running from my shelter was a major breakthrough, for you? Let me tell you, you are the most predictable creature I've ever come across. You went immediately to anyone who you could shoulder your problems on and the trail of destruction in your wake was easy enough to follow!'

'What will you do when these people grow tired of you Serena? Let me tell you, the will. No one loves you the way I do, Serena. You need me. We both know you can't go it alone.'

I knew it was entirely true, yet I felt a reaction deep in my bones: indignation. No! I wanted to scream. Every muscle in my body ached to prove him wrong, every fiber of my being hardened for change.

'You're right, Thomas. All those things you say are right. Except the bit about me needing you. I will never go back to you! You would have it believed that I'm insane! You warned that I might hurt our son! _Our son. _I would _never_ ever harm Eric, and you know that! How could you say those things, Thomas?'

'And maybe your right about my being ungrateful. Perhaps I always knew there was this side of you, and perhaps I ignored it because if I pretended it didn't exist then I wouldn't have to leave my comfort zone. If I didn't question the means than I could enjoy the ends.'

'Not anymore: I'm done Thomas. We're done. You will never see your son again, and you will never see me again. I am free of you, and maybe being free means being alone but I'll take it because it's about goddamn time! I need to stop burdening everyone, I need to take care of myself.'

And suddenly I felt lighter than air.

_Free. _I was free.

The feeling igniting my veins was better than any high I had experienced ever before. It felt like I had been waiting for life to begin before, and now I was born and I could see color and chance and choice and good and bad.

_Yes._

While I rejoiced, I missed the fury blaze in Thomas's eyes.

He lunged and I froze up, unable to react in time. I heard the collision before I felt the effect and then as I stumbled back my cheek throbbed and burned and stung a terrible pain all in one moment.

My spine was rigid in fear as Thomas's hand came up and closed around my throat in a powerful clamp. Tears welled in my eyes and blocked my view as I scratched wildly at his vice-like hand, I opened my mouth to beg for my life but I could not speak. My heart was pounding urgently against my ribs and my lungs were searing in breathless pain. Thomas was speaking, but I could not understand the words. I struggled desperately, knowing in my bones that my attempts were futile. Dark spots appeared in my vision.

My life had only just begun, was I really to lose it all now?

And then all pressure was released and I felt the unsettling feeling of falling. Air rushed around me and then stilled as my head crashed against the wall with an almighty thud and all I could recognize was pain. Fireworks erupted behind my eyelids and I cried out. In my mind, all that registered was it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

It was difficult to coordinate my hand to the back of my skull, where I felt warm, sticky liquid matting my hair and wetting my fingers.

I opened my eyes long enough to see Thomas turn and advance on Blair, who must have been the one to distract him into releasing me. Her figure looked so tiny and breakable compared to his. I tried to call her name, but my throat was dry and constricted. _Run_, I wanted to shout.

Where was the adrenaline rush? Why couldn't I make my jelly-like legs work? Why couldn't I defend my savior, my best friend, my sister? Blood pounded in my ears and my vision began to fade. No, no. Blair.

Blair…

* * *

'You are acting utterly ridiculous.'

My palms itched with the desire to slap Albert.

'Did you hear me?' I decided to repeat my statement again for his benefit, and perhaps for the liberating feeling it induced inside of me; 'I want a divorce.'

'You don't know what you want, Blair. You've gotten yourself strung along with Serena.'

'Serena is not a cult! Stop talking about her like she's pulling my strings! It was my decision to take a break in New York, my decision to follow Serena to England and I'm telling you my decision concerning our marriage right now! No one is forcing my hand, this is what I want.' I crossed my arms stubbornly.

As I said the words, I felt a twinge of guilt for all that I had blamed on Serena. It wasn't her fault that I loved her, and would destroy my own life to help her.

Albert rubbed his hands over his handsome face, pacing from end of the room to the other.

I had decided to order the havoc that had blown through my life of late, one problem at a time. Rather than focus on the bigger, more painful things that were pressing on my chest, I decided to start with the issue right in front of me: Albert.

God knows how he and Albert located us, though I knew I shouldn't be surprised. With endless amount of money and determination you can find anyone.

'Blair, come back to France with me and we can work this out.'

Irritation licked at my patience. 'You're not listening to me,' I ground out through gritted teeth.

'Because you're not talking sense right now! You're not thinking clearly!'

'I'm thinking clearer than ever, I can see clearer than ever! Albert, I don't love you!'

Love. How I detested it. I detested it like I detested Chuck Bass and Serena Van der Woodsen. I detested and adored it in the same sentence. With love came the most amazing and the most painful feelings in the world. But at least it made you feel alive; whether Chuck was kissing me or destroying me, I always felt alive.

Here, now, with Albert, I felt nothing. Maybe he didn't tear chunks out of my heart and run of with them, but he didn't make me feel whole and complete either.

Everything was so messed up, and I was just trying to make sense of it all.

'You and I are over.'

'But how can that be? Blair, you can suddenly feel like this. This simply an idealized notion from Serena, you're heads scrambled and I swear we can talk about this but not here and now. First you need to breath fresh air, you need to feel the comfort of home.'

'Why are you talking to me like I'm insane? I know what I want. This has been brewing for a while now, Albert.' I could see my words had no effect on the determination on his face. It was like he was deaf to me. 'How can I make you let go, Albert? How can I make you see?'

An idea occurred, followed by a wave of guilt.

'Albert. I slept with someone else. The owner of this house is an old friend and as soon as I he and I kissed I knew my heart didn't belong to you. I'm sorry.' I winced, finding it difficult to talk about how happy I had been not so long ago.

'You cheated on me?' His top lip curled in disgust and I felt the need to slap him again.

'Don't look at me like that! You think you're so innocent? You're the one running around with mistresses and whores! How is this a marriage, Albert?' I shook my head. 'We were over a long time ago, and you know it.'

'Fine. You want us over? We're over.' He slammed the door as he went, and I heard his thunderous footsteps fading. A sigh of relief escaped me.

The weight crushing my chest decreased a minimal amount.

I rubbed my forehead: I had a murder-scene in my skull headache. I tried to make myself sit still and wait, wanting to give Serena her time with Thomas, but I was too anxious and I crept downstairs to the study to eavesdrop.

'…I need to take care of myself.' I heard Serena finish, and saw her figure tall and proud through the crack between the door and frame.

I watched Thomas's face transform into an twisted expression, watched him advance toward Serena menacingly, watched him strike her and watched her head snap to the side at the force of the blow. I felt like a small child who'd snuck out of her bed at the sound of her parent's argument, cowering on the stairs and watching through the rails as her mother was beaten.

Rage writhed in and out of my intestines like a rollercoaster till I feared I was going to be sick. I could no longer see anything but Thomas's back. I heard his ferocious, breathless words. 'When will you learn? You need me as much as I need you. You are mine.'

I shivered at the echo of Chuck's words. It had sounded so beautiful, felt so fantastic when Chuck had claimed possession of me. When Chuck said it, it felt right, it felt like home. When Thomas said it, it made me feel dirty inside and out, even if I wasn't the person receiving the sentiment.

When a strangled whimper escaped Serena I felt my blood freeze over, and burst immediately into the room. No one noticed my interruption, but I saw from my new position the way Thomas had ceased upon Serena's throat, I could see her skin turning a bruised angry red around his fingers and I could see the tears oozing from her eyes as she clawed desperately at his hand for release.

It didn't matter that I had abused my body for so long and left it weak and battered: I lunged at Thomas, fueled by an inhumane hatred. Together we fell sideways, while Serena was launched backward into a wall. She crumpled to the floorboards while I fought for my balance, stumbling and grappling at a nearby desk.

I turned, pushing my hair from my eyes and trying desperately to find him. He was righting himself, caught off-guard by my sudden appearance. When his eyes found me, they were as black as flint. My heart responded to his threatening figure: beating so erratically I thought it may explode in my chest.

He sauntered forward, shaking his head in disapproval at me, a manic glint in his eyes; I retreated backward, tripping over my own feet. I put a hand out, _wait,_ I wanted to plead, _stop_. Should I beg for my life now? And Serena's too?

'Blair. Such a loyal friend.' Thomas purred and I shook in fear. He was still advancing, and I was still trying to keep some kind of distance between us. My back found the wall, and my determination crumpled in defeat. He smiled.

Thomas raised his great fist and I tensed my muscles in anticipation of pain.

And then there was a great thud and Thomas's face contorted in shock till all expression faded and he slumped forward at my feet. Above his unmoving form stood a blonde goddess, heavy candlestick still raised.

Oh God, I thought, I was stuck in a game of Cluedo and my knees shook with relief and I wanted to kiss Chuck's French whore, who was wide-eyed and beautiful and very much my saviour, my angel.

I was aware of the girl's thick accent rambling and mumbling, she was obviously severely shocked and I reached out to take her arm and tell her to call an ambulance.

I asked for her name when she didn't listen to me, still staring down at the body of a man she had just killed to save my life. Tears began to fall down her cheeks and I had to shake her bodily to gain her attention. 'Zahara,' she whispered.

'Listen to me. Listen to me.' My fingers shook as the grasped at her trembling shoulders. 'My friend is hurt and you need to call an ambulance for me, okay. Can you do that.'

'Is 'ee dead?'

'Call an ambulance, Zahara.' I repeated in a louder, firmer tone. She nodded mutely and while she dialed I went to Serena's side.

Serena was barely conscious, crying and grasping at the back of her head where her hair had turned a dark, wet crimson. The blood had pooled below her on the floor and I felt sick and afraid and angry and dazed. I removed my cardigan and held it against her skull. I held her in my arms and while we waited and when Zahara joined us I wound my arm around her too and we were three broken, bloodied women desperately avoiding looking at the slumped figure on the other side of the room.

'Where is Chuck?' Zahara asked brokenly as she sniffed and held on to me tightly, like a child to a mother.

_Chuck._

'Give me your phone. Give me your phone!' I demanded urgently.

I almost threw Zahara's phone at the wall when Chuck's answer mail sounded in my ear. I tried again and again to no use, and finally dialed for Nate instead.

'Blair.'

'Listen to me! As soon as Chuck touches down in New York you need to find him and stop him in what he's about to do, okay? Tell him there's no need, tell him it's been dealt with and there's no need. If he doesn't listen to you then you have to physically stop him. I'm not joking, Nate. Stop him, whatever you do. And once Chuck is safe and you're sure he's not going to do anything, you need to get to England immediately. We're going to need a lawyer.' I allowed myself a breath, before I continued in a quieter tone, 'it's over, Nate. It's over.'

Before Nate could reply I hung up with once last repeat of 'stop Chuck.'

And then wailing of an ambulance began and everything happened in a blur around me.

* * *

**Epilogue**

I kneeled in the grass and smiled tenderly at the headstone proclaiming my brother's name. With the precision of an artist, I arranged the flower I'd brought and then settled more comfortably before Eric's grave.

'So I need to apologize. I haven't been to visit you in so long, but that'll change. I'll visit you every week – I'm living in New York, now, you know? Blair offered me a partnership in her event organizing company. She's probably about the only one who'd hire me with my record, but it feels amazing to finally be working and earning money for myself. I have a home of my own, and little Eric and I have been decorating all weekend.' I laughed, remembering the paint-splatter war between my son and I.

'He's doing okay, Eric.' I worried my bottom lip with my teeth. 'He took his father's death hard, like any kid would but I think he's moving on. I don't know what I'm going to tell him when he's older. The truth? I don't want secrets between us.'

I sighed, playing with a strand of my golden hair. 'Chuck and Blair are engaged.' I added offhandedly. My casual look transformed with a grin. 'I think they're for real this time. Like forever. I'm glad. It's about time. After everything they deserve to be happy more than anyone. Nate was able to get hold of Chuck and lock him in a hotel room before he threw away his life for nothing. Chuck was a little peeved he didn't get to play hero, but glad he wasn't off for a lifetime in prison.'

I laughed and shook my head.

'Oh. I heard from Zahara, she's in Tokyo. I was worried about her – after we gave our statements to the police about how she'd killed him on accident in self-defense and she was released without charge she was traumatized, but she's seems to be completely over the whole situation. She's dating some Japanese artist guy, apparently.'

'And me? I think I'll never really be over it. But I don't feel any of the destructive hatred I felt when Thomas was alive. I went to his grave, fully expecting to spit at the headstone – instead I cried for him and left flowers. At least I'm free now – not only am I looking after myself, but I'm caring for mother as well. She's living with Eric and I now, and she's completely taken with her grandson. You can guess why. He's just like you, Eric.'

I cut of then, because I couldn't talk past the lump in my throat. Battling against my tears, I smiled at the engraving of my brother's name and pressed a kiss to my fingers and then my fingers to the headstone. 'I love you, I miss you,' I whispered, before standing in the cold air.

I walked towards where Nate waited for me, leaning against the town car with a serene look. He held out his hand for me and I took it gratefully. Nate pulled me into a tight embrace and I felt him press a kiss to my hair.

'Thank you,' I murmured against his shoulder.

Nate pulled back and I stared deep into his beautiful blue eyes. 'Serena…' my name held a thousand hopes on his lips and I knew what he wanted.

'You're married.'

'Separated,' he corrected a little impatiently; we'd been over this before.

'I like being alone. I like being independent.' I protested.

'I don't wish to own you Serena,' Nate's voice picked at my resolve and he held me a little closer, as if he knew. 'We can take it slow, and you can still be as independent as you like. I don't wish to take from you, I just want to be with you. I want to make you smile again,' he pushed and then took my lips in his. His kiss was my undoing and I responded passionately. When he pulled back breathlessly, he rested his forehead against mine.

'My feet haven't even touched the ground after getting swept up in the whole Thomas fiasco,' I warned him.

'We'll take it slow,' Nate repeated, brushing the golden strands of hair out my eyes.

End.


End file.
